January 19 Letter

Dear: God,
           I am feeling really happy right now but also sad at the same time. Everything's going good: my classes, China prep,etc. those are all going so good! and am happy right now. however, the being single by default, because no guy wants to go out with me, is still...hurting. a lot. especially around engaged couples. It's gotten to the point where I don't think I can handle being around engaged couples. it's always painful for me, and always reminds me that I don't have that, i don't have that thing I want so badly! and nothing i can do can change that. I cant work harder at it, i cant study more, i can't save up money,etc. there's nothing I can do. I know that some people think its prejudiced or mean, but...is it so wrong to do something to keep myself from being hurt?to keep myself happy and joyful? being around engaged people HURTS me. it hurts me a lot. It's not that I hate them or am mad at them or anything like that. and its not that am not happy for them because i am. I just...I just don't like what it does to me. I know it might sound mean, but its more about me than them. would they rather that I keep hanging with engaged people and cry my heart out every night?would they prefer that?because it feels like that's what they are saying. I know it's problaly not what they are saying but still  it sometimes feels like that's what they are saying.
           what do you think?

January 7 Letter

Dear;God,
          This is gonna be a super short letter. I know this is going to sound insane, and I don't even know if I do like him or not, but if I do then please stop me. I don't want to get hurt again, and its the last semeser before graduation, so there's really no time to start anything, especially with me going to China. not unless it was with someone special. so please stop me from liking him. please.

Love,
Millie

January 5 Letter

Dear:God,

          I started this blog to be able to keep track of all my letters to you. writing letters to you is one of the best ways I express myself to you. and I know that even though these are not letters to that I can mail, I know that you are getting these letters, that you read them. I know because i wrote you that letter, asking you to help me love Dan better and you really did! I even forgot about that letter until after I had started those encouraging texts to Dan and Brent,so it wasn't until later that I realized that I asked for it and you answered me, you got my letter. :)

         I don't have anything specific to write to you in this letter, I just want to really get into the habit of writing these letters to you, God. I love writing and its one of the best ways in which I express myself, so it makes sense to write letters to you.

         Something that I want to ask you is to help with walk with you in my single status  unhappiness. I'm reading Richard Foster's Life with God and in it he talks about walking with you in places that we ususally walk alone or not at all. and this is my place, where I don't really walk with you, I just talk to you about it, go to you when I've been there. I want to walk with you in this place now. except I don't how to do that; I barely even really know what that means. I know what it means, in my heart, inside of me, but in my head, the words don't come you know? I want you to please help me with this. I really don't like my single status God, I don't. and the things that I can do because am single that I could if I wasn't, like going to China for a year, being able to choose where I want to live,etc. seem like...like...consolation prises. I don't want to talk myself into consolation prizes, God and that's what it feels like am doing. trying so hard to convenenve myself that these things that am getting because am single by default are what I truly want and the deep truth is that...they're not. I LOVE them, I LOVE that I can do them, but they are not what I want my life to have in it. but am tired of being unhappy about it, and I don't seem to be going anywhere in feeling better about it. so I want to work through this with you, emphasis on YOU. its one of my new year's resolutions to do this. please help to do this. I hate being single and I hate hating it! please help me to do this.

Love You!

Millie